I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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