I wish I only lived at night.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
