can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
