So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
