im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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