Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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