you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Randomize
