Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
