genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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