I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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