He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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