I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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