Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
