Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
