and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
