Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
