you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
