Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
