I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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