i was born a porn star she said
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
