I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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