the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
