i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
