Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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