You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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