Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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