one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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