He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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