and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
