i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize