If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There r osticjed everywhere
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
