Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
found the other keg... it's in the tree
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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