Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
being pregnant is like rehab
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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