Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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