Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
