chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
