No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
