this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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