Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
