I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
