It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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