mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
