Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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