what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
