Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize