Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
