I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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