The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
