I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
