in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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