We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
