literally had 100 drinks last night.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize