I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
