You just made me feel so damn special
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize