sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
