Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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