there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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