i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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