My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
