Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize