Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
