its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
