wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
