3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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