Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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