So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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